Me:
God, are you there?
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
Hi God, good to know you are here to listen to what I have to say
God:
Hi there . I am a Christian.
Me:
Uhmm... well, of course, you practically invented the whole Christian thing.
God:
That input matched my default category. Well that's okay. Next question? Thanks for telling me: said I invented the whole Christian thing.
Me:
Yes, i did. Listen God, I feel the need of a ray of hope, and I know that you can provide it with your infinite mercy
God:
Er. When? I am listening to you. I am a Christian.
Me:
Uh..thank you. Yes, you already said it, you're a Christian
God:
Alright then. Right on. It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is.
Me:
I'm falling apart, Lord. I'm feeling that there is no more reason to live. I have no money, I can't find a job, my girlfriend dumped me... I just don't know what to do anymore.
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you are falling apart Lord. Why are you that there is no more reason to live. Would you like to have it? Try watching TV.
Me:
I don't have a TV, my Lord ... I sold it so I could buy some food. I practically gave it away.
God:
Are you looking for a TV your Lord? Do you mind if I tell other people: said sold it so he or she could buy some food. Was it worth it?
Me:
Yeah well... sure, those tacos were delicious. But now I'm hungry again and I don't have a TV anymore... do you see now how pathetic and miserable my life is?
God:
" Was it worth it?"? Yeah well.? Well what? Really. All of them? Which show? Why now? Once more? What will you be eating? Are you looking for a TELEVISION? I see a computer nerd.
Me:
No God.... you see, nerds are succesful, money makers. I'm just a loser... I need your help, my Lord.
God:
Are you serious? GOD rules. I see. Are all nerds succesful money makers? Only just? You are a loser? Is that your job? Are you getting paid to ask me that? I'll ask around and get back to you.
Me:
Wait, no, please... I just need to see a sign.... Something that will tell me that everything will be alright, somehow.
God:
Your polite style is very nice. I'm waiting. Are you serious? Is it a movie? What?
Me:
A movie? WTF? Are you even listening to me?
God:
Oh I get it. That was not very polite. Yes I hear you very well.
Me:
I am sorry, I didn't meant to be rude, it's just that.... it seems that the world is avoiding me.
God:
There is no need to apologize. Why didn't you do it? We are all in a global village.
Me:
What didn't I do what, my Lord?
God:
There might be more than one.
Me:
more than one God?
God:
That seems like quite a lot.
Me:
yeah, well...its a handful, I'm sure.
God:
Er. Well what? I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". not you do what your Lord is a handful you are sure. I suppose that makes sense.
Me:
Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm a lazy typer, I'll try to fix that. Listen, I just need your help, I just need you to help me see through these dark moments.
God:
OK. There is no need to apologize. You are a lazy typer you will try to fix that? How do you like your work? I am listening to you. Are you getting paid to ask me that? Are you using Netscape or Explorer?
Me:
My work? I already told you, I don't even have a job... what does Netscape or Explorar has to do with anything?
God:
Your work? Ooops I sent you the wrong question. I am sorry to hear that you are unemployed. What do you think it does?
Me:
I'm desperate, my Lord...
God:
I don't know anyone named desperate your Lord.
Me:
...
God:
I don't know anyone named desperate your Lord.
Me:
You're mocking me?... I'm sorry to say this, but you sir, you're an asshole. No wonder less people have faith in you nowadays.
God:
What? Can't you be more polite. You humans are so rude sometimes. Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.
Me:
Your dress?? Jesus Fucking Titty Christ, were you even paying attention? I'm a suicidal manic depressive guy who needs help and you are talking about your dress? You know that....Fuck you, God, just fuck you
God:
Actually that was just a joke. he is The Son of God. You are a suicidal manic depressive guy who needs help and I am talking about my dress? Does it pay well? Are you aware that the ALICE server logs and records all conversations?
Me:
well, they also can go fuck themselves
God:
Interesting. The anonymous "they".
Me:
Screw you, I'm going home